Graduating from college in 19 days..

we do not remember days
we remember moments.
-cesare pavese

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like„ slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh … . And eyes big Love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new

ee cummings

"An invisible red thread connects those destined to meet regardless of time, place or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break."

-Chinese Proverb

"I made orange juice from concentrate and showed her the trick of squeezing the juice of one real orange into it. It removes the taste of being frozen. She marveled at this, and I laughed and said, Life is easy. What I really meant was, Life is easy with you here, and when you leave, it will be hard again."

a sullen riot penetrating my mind

I'm ready to snap and nobody knows it. Except for this stupid...blog that nobody reads. 

Instead of sleeping and studying for the final I have tomorrow, I'm staying up, studying the bus schedule. Not exactly the useful studying material I had in mind. The bus schedule is damn confusing and it makes absolutely no sense. I don't know how I'm going to get from point A to point B to point C.

I'll walk for miles in the dark and the freezing cold if I have to. I wish someone would come and say, "I will not take no for an answer. Get in the damn car because you need help and I'll take you where ever you need to go."

It's my fault. I got into a car wreck (not accident for accident implies that no one was at fault) and so I now I have no car. I put others in harms' way and on that day...I couldn't cry. I could hardly understand why I couldn't cry. I pushed my friend and my parents, who came to my rescue, so far away from me. I sat, completely stoned face, oblivious to all the chattering going on around me.

Then, my physical and emotional pain wouldn't let me move the next day at all.

My insurance will go up %25. I may have caused someone hearing loss (in one ear), which will be oh-so-ever ironic. I'm taking it so hard upon myself that I had actually gotten my friend, who was in the car with me, hurt. I couldn't even ask if he was okay. 

I snuck in two days later, incognito, to his piano recital with my hair stuffed up in a black hat and subdued clothes on. I was too embarrassed to face him, yet I had to see if he played okay. I had to make sure that he was okay.

And he played very beautifully. His hands movements echoed that I had seen the real thing. 

He told me online the other day that that after 15 years of playing piano, he finally understood at his recital what it meant to play. He said he wished that I had come.

But I was there; I was in the back, alone. Watching.

Now I'm stuck alone. With this stupid bus schedule. With no one to sit me down and explain to me in simple terms how all this works. 

Things to Do Before I Die

graduate summa cum laude

skydiving

ride a motorcycle

make pumpkin pie from scratch

learn how to play drums

learn a language

sell my art and donate 75% of profit to charity

go to normandy

get a hairy dog and name him "monster"

go on a international mission trip

scream my head off for no reason

read Pi

waterski

dye my hair in an insane color

then shave my head

donate my hair to locks of love